What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
