I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
