do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
