ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
