He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
