Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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