Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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