I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
