If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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