i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
