I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
