and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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