dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
