im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
