So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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