The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
