does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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