I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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