i'm signing you up for texting rehab
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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