if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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