...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
