I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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