I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
