i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
