she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
