If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
