hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
