My nipple is on Facebook.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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