4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
