You're so nebulous sometimes
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
