i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Text me some of your sweat
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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