o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
