I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
