Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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