How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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