I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
