the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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