wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
