Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
