He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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