fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
