everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
