just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
