Someone shit on the floor
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
