dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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