I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
