i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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