One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
