I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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