I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
