I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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