I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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